Bill Cullen's Greatest Quotes

Winner Take All:
Bill: (addressing a contestant who is baseball umpire) We're going to put this blindfold over your eyes for this game...Can you see anything,sir?
Umpire: No.
Bill: Well, you're a real baseball umpire now, aren't you?

I've Got a Secret:

(Bill’s agent is a contestant)
AGENT: It’s no secret that Bill is the best ad-libber in the business, so Bill, I’m going to give you a test. You have to make the audience laugh right now.
BILL: Do I have my choice of audiences or do I have to use this bunch?
(Audience laughs)
GARRY: They laughed!
AGENT: Now make them boo.
BILL: Boo?
AGENT: Yes. 
BILL: Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is a well-known figure. You may have read about him in Collier’s Magazine not that long ago… Would you please welcome Adolf Hitler? Adolf, come on out here! 

(on the finale)
Bill: I have been on for 15 years and I haven't done a minutes work, and I admit that, and I apologize for stealing money. Sorry, Mark.

Bill: Commuting from New York to Hollywood to do this show gets more interesting every week. Before I used to think the country was just New York on one end and Los Angeles on the other, with sand and mountains in the middle. This week, though during the trip, we stopped to gas up in a little place called Chicago Municipal Airport, and I wouldn't be surprised if they built a city there someday.

Bill: I had a crush on my fourth-grade teacher, but nothing came of it because of the age difference. I was about 15 years older.

(A prize is presented. It's a full home-entertainment center with a built-in bed.)
Bill: (Looking only at the bed) Yessir, this is a full entertainment center.

Bill: Just to start you off right, each of you has in front of you an RCA transistor radio. Put it aside for the time being and kindly do not listen to another network while we are on the air.

Contestant: This couldn't be happening to me!
Bill: It is happening to you, and in many other cities it will happen to you again on a delayed broadcast.

Bill: Because of legal things, since none of you won, I now must destroy the check, which is easily done by ripping the signatures. This is a great moment for me,. because I've been wanting to tear up Goodson & Todman for years.

Bill: (Displaying the TV Guide issue with his picture on the cover) There's a fascinating article in this week's TV Guide about what happens to the prizes given away on "The Price is Right," and on the cover is that wonderful Hollywood star, Tony Perkins-- No, wait, that's not Tony Perkins, that's Sal Mineo.

Bill: (Demonstrating a closed-circuit television) Now, here you see our show because the TV is tuned to WRCA Channel 4. Watch what happens when I switch the channel...If that looks like a baby to you folks at home, let me put your minds at ease--That's exactly what it is.

Contestant: Oh, I'm so excited!
Bill: Well, just have a seat and relax. Last week you damaged several contestants.

(The time's up whistle goes off after two contestants have missed five consecutive questions)
Bill: Well, I had two questions left, but you wouldn't have gotten them right anyway.

Bill: Remember, all contestants recieve a copy of the "Eye Guess" home game. A
(holds up a copy of the "Password" home game.)

Bill: We'll be back with more of our program, "Winner Take All", after this message.

Don Pardo: ...and now, your host on Three on a Match, and here he is...
Bill: Well, I don't know about that.

(Bill is reading an entry from a “How to Conserve Energy” theme-writing contest)
BILL: “Invest in a pair of long underwear.” That’s all it says…and like the ointment, there’s a fly in that….The contestants will refrain from booing the master of ceremonies, please.

CONTESTANT: …And in my spare time my husband and I are restoring a 16-room, 200-year-old house.
BILL: Holy mackerel…my wife in her spare time has been restoring a 53-year-old husband, which has been fun.

(Voting in game two, after celebirty imposters were used in game one)
Bill: Well, number one is Tom Poston, and number three is Orson Bean, so I'm voting for number two, who is obviously Gene Rayburn.

(After interviewing a canary expert)
Bill: Well, we have a rule on this show that if we have seen someone who is on this show, whether they're right or wrong, we can question but not vote. I disqualify myself because I met one of those gentlemen in the men's room.
Peggy Cass: What does that have to do with it?
Bill: I want you to know where I met the man!
Kitty Carlisle: How do you know he was the real one?
Bill: He had his bird in his hand.

BILL: Of all the shows I’ve done in my entire life…this is the easiest. This is one show where you don’t have to do anything, and the money is…mmm…well, you know. It’s okay, you know, you can live on it. The question I’m asked all the time is, what is Garry like? And I tell them that he’s loving, fine, a good, genuine guy to work with and a peach of a fellow. And I figure if they really want the truth, they’ll get it from somebody else.

Bill: And your opponents are Dick Cavett and Debbie Keepers.
Debbie: No, Keppers. I'm a secretary.
Bill: You're a seek-retary?

Dick Cavett: She misheard you, Bill. She thinks she won a car. She just won a card, though.
Bill: That's right, a gift certificate, autographed by Dick, various members of his family, and myself.

(After a contestant didn't know "Switzerland" from the clue "Heidi's country.")
Bill: Boy, that was a real cliffhanger. She wasn't familiar with "Heidi" because it was interrupted by a football game.

(Bill is talking to one of that night’s guests, Dick Clark)
BILL: Dick Clark is of course best known for hosting “American Bandstand.” What else are you doing these days, Dick?
DICK CLARK: We’d like “Hold Tight.”
BILL: You’ve selected “Hold Tight.” Please keep your hands above the table as you describe things that are tight.

Question: Name and spell a word that rhymes with "pie," P-I-E.
Contestant: Uh...uh...Kye. K-Y-E.
*Wrong answer buzz*
Bill: Sorry. Nice try, T-R-Y.

Bill: We have hidden on the third level the names of two famous Johns...(giggles)...perhaps I should clarify that. Famous men NAMED John.

Bill: Audience, can you think of any other ways you might feel before you get married?...What?...Someone in the audience yelled out "pregnant."

CONTESTANT: My name is Betsy Tukar and I’m a page at another network.
BILL: Hi, I’m Bill Cullen and if this show doesn’t work out, I’ll be over there.

(Fast Bucks question is “Name four game show hosts.”)
BILL: You got Bill Cullen, and I’m grateful to see that I still qualify for that category. The remaining answers were the fabulous Peter Marshall, the sensational Richard Dawson, and the sensational Garry Moore, and I want to tell you, two of those guys are just great.

Category: It Happens When a Girl Gets Married
Bill: If it's in Hollywood, she arranges for her divorce.

Category: What You Might Say in Heaven
Bill: I can't tell you how surprised I am to be HERE.

Category: Something that Bites
Bill: All the girls I ever knew in Pittsburgh.

Question: Which animal is more productive in the creation of offspring: a mink, a rabbit, a hummingbird, an elephant, a termite, or a praying mantis?
Bill: What are you laughing at?
Contestant: I'm just thinking about that mantis praying.
Bill: Yeah, we know what he's praying for, too, don't we?

Bill: Okay, so we have the rabbit on the one hand, and the elephant standing on my foot.

David Letterman: I think praying mantises either die or they eat their young after breeding. Either one pretty much inhibits sexual activity, so I'll say rabbit.
Bill: Actually, after sexual activity, a praying mantis will eat the closest rabbit.

Bill: The praying mantis breeds more often. I guess his prayers were answered.

Bill: Here's a factual chart. The termite does it...uh, let's say he "reproduces."

Bill: (Recapping clues for "John Paul II") Up there we had "Friendly", "Poland", "Catholic"...Boy, I should hope so. I wouldn't think we'd have a Protestant there.

Contestant:...And my interests include bowling and crossword puzzles.
Bill: Oh, well, you've come to the right place. This is a great show for people who like bowling.

Question: How many men brought binoculars to the Miss Nude USA pageant?
Alex Trebek: 62!
Bill: I'd have to say lower because binoculars would just ruin it; You can only see a little bit at a time.

Jim: You cut the cards during the break-- how'd they feel?
Bill: Really big. I tried to palm one and almost broke my arm.

Question: How many women cried on their wedding night?
Bill: My wife laughed on our wedding night.

Bill: (to a female contestant) I think you're cute. You're cute as a button. Heck, you're cuter than a button. You're cute as a zipper.

Bill: Nobody knew that? Audience did you know it?... I heard four or five people say the right answer. More than half our audience knew that.

Bill: Let me explain that answer. Friday is the Muslim sabbath, Saturday is the Jewish, and Sunday is the Christian sabbath, and I think that's it. I don't imagine a sabbath applies to any other religion... Boy... I'm sure I offended somebody with that.

Bill: You take with you $500, oh, and of course, for such marvelous work, I wish I had more to offer, but all I have at the moment is our "Blockbusters" game. How 'bout that?

Contestant: Well, right now I'm trying to go into the live television industry in Los Angeles and I'm finding it's not the hardest thing in the world. It's not easy but...

Bill: Well, no, but with people like me working it can't be difficult.

Contestant: One day I'd like to go into producing.

Bill: Would you like to produce this show?

Contestant: Well, I know you already have a producer.

Bill: Yeah, but nobody is indispensible. Hey (executive producer) Bob (Sherman)! Are you still here?

Bill: We have a woman in our audience who is related to the two men in Pittsburgh who cut my hair when I was a teenager. That was so long ago, hair hadn't even been invented yet.

Bill: Let me explain that. Powdering the horn has an aphrodisiac effect on the rhinocerous, which is why make-up people are so popular.

Bill: Nipper was the dog in the RCA ads.
Contestant: We were just talking about that before the show. Somebody had it in a trivia book.
Bill: Trivia?
Contestant: Trivia.
Bill: That's a bone in your lower leg.

Bill: When I said "No," I didn't mean it was wrong, I meant the buzzer had sounded and I couldn't describe that because it would have given away too much information. BOY, wasn't that clever?

Bill: I probably will not amount to much in my life, but I will always say that there was a day way back when when I was the star of "Blockbusters."

Question: What S does the Bible say not to cast your pearls before?
John Hatten: Uh...Oh! Swine!
Bill: Yes, swine, or O'Swine in the Irish version, where it was known as Patty's pig.

Bill: We have a woman in our audience who watches this show in the Netherlands. We asked her what the title of the show is in Dutch. It's called "Hide Your Windmills, Here Comes Don Quixote." You have to make a path from the canal to the wooden shoe. Do that and you win 5,000 tulips.

Bill: You've won $48,000. What will you do with it?
John Hatten: My wife has been very supportive this whole time, so I'm giving her a one-hour shopping spree at the Goodwill Store.
Bill: My wife is a tall brunette named Ann. Tell your wife to say "Hello."

(John's family comes onstage to congratulate him)
Bill: How are you all doing? Hi, I'm Bert Convy.

Bill: When Kevin said, "We like your new rule," you probably all sat up straight in your chair or your orange crate and you yelled "What new rule?!" Well, it's none of your affair, that's all I have to say!

Question: What G gets lots of "Z's" carved into his belly?
Bill: The answer was Garcia. That, of course, came from Zorro...well, of course it came from Zorro, it certainly wasn't Superman, that's for sure.

Bill: This is a letter B question that I'm about to read that I picked myself from a sealed fruit jar under Johnny Carson's porch.

(A contestant misses a possible win by picking the wrong letter)
Bill: Letter U?...Oh, I see what you're trying to do...I don't necessarily agree with what you're trying to do.

Bill: Here's a question that won't really help nor harm anybody. It sure won't help me, I've gotta read the dumb thing.

(Before the third D question)
Bill: Here's another D question, and I just want to take the time to assure all of you that the answer here is very, very unimportant.
(Before the fourth D question)
Bill: Here's another D...I getting almost as many D's here as I did in school.

Question: What letter A yelled "Eureka!" when condcuting expermiments in his bathtub?
Bill: Answer--a lot of people.

Bill: Well, good luck in your radio producing career, and when you get into TV producing and you need an old, decrepid emcee, remember me.

Bill: I'm sorry you didn't win the match, but we have a nice consolation prize in my magic box back here...(disappears from the screen, and starts talking in a tone of voice like he's talking to a puppy) Hello, there, little magic box. How are you? I love you, little magic box...Ah, here it is! It's our home game!

Leland Yung: I invested some of my winnings.
Bill: Investing at your age is a good idea, because you'll have some money for a rainy day. You can't tell, but for me right now, it's raining.

Bill: Thank you to our home audience. I always thank the studio audience but I don't always thank the home viewers, so thank you for twisting our knob.

Bill: Oh, you see what's happened? A bulb has burned out on our board. That hexagon is supposed to be red, so you folks at home, if you have any red crayons, get them out and fill in that balck space on your screen, and if you don't have crayons, kids, get Mommy's lipstick or Mommy's nail polish.
(After the round) Okay, now the round is over and they're fixing the board and you folks at home see a red blob on me from where you used Mommy's nail polish, so we'll take a commercial while you rub it off with Daddy's wristwatch.

Bill: (on the series finale) Over the past year and a half, We've recieved a lot of mail regarding the handicap on this show, which is...well, that I'm not a very good host.

Bill: (Also from the finale) And lest you feel sorry for me, don't because a kid my age has his whole life ahead of him.

Contestant: This is kind of embarrassing, but I'm going to say "sex."
Bill: I don't know how you feel, but it sure embarrassed me.

Bill: Wendy is expecting... uh... quintuplets? ...Triplets? What are you having?
Contestant: Twins.
Bill: Okay, you're having twins. I'll have one, too.

(A child has just defined “Mascara” by saying, “I use it every day.”)
BILL: My, how times have changed. She’s seven and she uses mascara every day? I was 21 before I ever ate a bite of it.

(A child is defining “Bo Derek”)
CHILD: A lot of boys like her, but I think she’s a dog.
BILL: If Bo Derek is a dog, I’m opening a kennel tomorrow.

CONTESTANT: …And I’ll be getting married in a few months, and I hope that lasts forever.
BILL: And even if it doesn’t, it will certainly feel that way.

Bill: Tell us a little bit about yourself, uh,...Diane. I'm sorry, your nametag was hidden from me, for the best possible reason.

Question: The Davis Research Group asked people across the country, "Who is your favorite comedian?"
Contestant: Johnny Carson.
Bill: Wrong, I'm sorry, and I know Johnny's sorry. Go sit on the bench and Ed McMahon will hold your hand.
(After the round is finished)
Bill: The remaining answers-George Carlin, Bill Cosby, Don Rickles, and Mark Humbolt.
Contestants: Who?!
Bill: Kid I knew in school, he tried all kinds of stuff.

Question: Name the Seven Dwarfs.
Contestant: I'll answer, Bill.
Bill: Well, don't answer Bill, because that's going to be wrong.

Bill: What's the first thing you notice about a man?
Contestant: I don't know.
Bill: Okay, look at me. Now close your eyes. Open them back up. What's the first thing you noticed about me?
Contestant: Your glasses.
Bill: Good to know I'm every bit as sexy as I ever was.

Question: Name seven signs of the zodiac.
Bill: My wife Ann is a Gemini, by the way. I just thought I'd mention that to make life at home more fun.

(Same question)
Bill: One of the nicest people I know is an Aquarius.
Contestant: Me?
Bill: No, me.

Question: Name seven of the 10 countries with the longest life expectancies.
(USA is declared a wrong answer)
Bill: Isn't that interesting that the USA was wrong, which means none of the long-lifed people are watching this show. So you folks keep watching, because you're liable to go at any minute now.

(After being introduced at the show's opening)
Bill: I am neither a telegram singer or a redhead, but welcome to "Hot Potato" because "Hot Potato" is.

Bill: I haven't gotten a reception like that since they closed Pittsburgh.
Contestant: We're all softball managers. Jenny has a daughter who's third base, Mimi's daughter is a pitcher, and I have a daughter who's catcher.
Bill: That's a coincidence, I have a son who could never make it to first base.

Bill: What'll you do with all that money?
Contestant: Probably go on a second honeymoon.
Bill: Who with?

Question: Davis Research asked people to complete this sentence-- The schools don't teach students enough about what?
Contestant: Sex Education.
Bill: You know in my day, not only did we not have sex education, we didn't (laughs) Boy, I got out of that one by the skin of my teeth.

Bill: Bert Convy, host of Tattletales, he's the best-looking of the game show hosts, if you ask me. Peter Tomarken hosts "Press Your LUck" and he's also a good looking guy. Jim Perry hosts "Sale of the Century" and he's a good-looking guy. Bob Eubanks hosts "Dream House," he's good-looking. You know, come to think of it I can only think of one network game show host who isn't all that good-looking. Think about that for a minute, we'll be right back.

Contestant: I became a preacher because it was the only job I could find where I only went to work one day a week.

Bill: There is one other...and that's doing exactly what I'm doing right now. And I don't even have to watch my morals or anything...It is a known fact, I think that we tape these shows five at a time---Hey, maybe you could ask the bishop about taping five Sundays in a row!

(on the series finale)

Bill: I don't care. I'm coming in on Monday and read my questions and if anyone wants to listen, let them.

"Trivia Trap"

Question: Who was Don Quixote's loyal sidekick?
Bill: Pancho Sanza.
Bob Eubanks: No.
Tom Poston: Sancho Panza.
Bob Eubanks: Yes.
Bill: What did I say?

Bob: Pancho Sanza.
Bill: Oh. Serribly Torry.

Contestant: I'm a financial consultant. I teach people how to be an owner instead of a loaner.
Bill; Yeah, I had a consultant who told me how to be an owner instead of a loaner. His advice was a boner.

Question: In Greek mythology, who was the vain youth who fell in love with his own reflection?
(Neither contestant knows)
Bill: I'm sorry, I have to give you the answer. That vain youth who fell in love with his reflection was Bert Convy.

Bill: Have you gotten any reaction since winning?
Contestant: Yes, everyone wants to go on a trip with me.
Bill: Well, I can understand that being a red-blooded American former boy.

(talking to the head of an eating club)
Bill: Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, you may diet.

(Contestant is a gardening housewife named Linda Toole)
Bill: This is the first time I've ever interviewed a gardening Toole...I'm sorry for that, and I know you all are too.

Bill: Richard Chamberlain and I have the same barber, which I suppose is why I look so much like him.

"All Star Secrets"
BOB EUBANKS: Bill, what would you want to be if you weren’t in show business?
BILL: A retired wealthy person.
"'I often ask myself, 'How am I working?'
I'm certainly not the guy who appeals to women between the ages of 18 and 35"
--Bill Cullen in TV Guide, 1/21/84

Adam Nedeff: Because you're that good, Bill, that's why! Even though you've left us, you're still the best.

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